BBC 3 are running a show on Saturday nights, the first was the 100 worst pop moments, now they are doing 100 worst TV moments. 

These kind of listing shows are obviously a nice cheap way of filling the schedules and can be strangely compelling as they sometimes remind you of things that you’d long forgotten or were too young to remember clearly. 

However it’s ironic that for me at least, the most annoying thing in these shows aren’t the clips themselves but the Z-List celebs they dredge up to spout their wisdom on the subject. 

Between Neil Morrissey with his tiresome piss-take voiceovers, Sean Keaveny (I remember him saying that there are lot of crap bands out there, and a lot of them are on myspace.  You’d think someone who thinks he knows about music would realise that pretty much ALL bands are on myspace.  Bring back Phil Jupitus I say), fashion editors from grazia magazine and other pointless people just make me reach for the off button. 

Of course it’s not the only thing that annoys me on TV. 

When I was a kid, schedule filler “talent” shows such as Opportunity Knocks, New Faces and later Sky search for a star really got on my nerves.  Occasionally the contestants would annoy me even more by inflicting their drivel on the charts (remember Bernie Flint the singing lorry driver or something, no?  I thought not). 

Fast Forward a couple of decades, add some glitzy graphics, some standard-issue sharp-tongued but heart-of-gold underneath it all types, and you’ve got X-Factor, PopStars, and a whole line of shite lowest-common-denominator tv programs for the easily pleased masses. 

I mean Pete Waterman judging talent?  He may be the greatest marketing man ever, turning complete shite into chart gold time and time again, but I’m not aware of him ever being involved with anyone remotely talented, except maybe Kylie who shone once she was out of his clutches. 

The X-Factor judge type pantomime villain is also used in other tiresome genre, the Apprentice, Dragaons Den type show.  Reality TV?  What do catchphrases “You’re Fired!” have to do with reality?  And don’t they choose the winners before hand? 

Then there’s the formulaic Fixit shows such as Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares.  I quite like Gordon Ramsay, but how often can you watch him go into a failing restaurant, say “fuck” a few times, and turn the restaurant into a great success? 

Quiz shows in the 70s were the cheap filler between the more expensive and time-consuming (to make) shows, but nowadays when something like Millionaire, Weakest Link (back to pantomime villains again), Deal or no Deal etc become successful, they end up on the screen practically every night of the week. 

The formula is so basic, Chris Tarrant for example has an incredibly limited range of stock phrases and facial expressions, how can people watch these shows year after year? 

Big Brother has always been Big Bore to me.  Soap without the quality (ahem) writing.  I remember some bloke called Nasty Nick or something like that, apparently he was openly cheating and people at home were shouting at their TV sets, then when people in the house found out they put out an extra episode in response to the weekend’s events.  According to someone in an advertising agency, they’d been taking bookings for this extra episode before the show had even begun.  It wouldn’t surprise me if it is true. 

Then there are soaps.  I love good drama like Dennis Potter and Mike Leigh, but I grew up on Crossroads and stuff so I’m not a drama snob.  Soap can entertain and even make you think on occassion. 

But today there are just too many episodes in a week, and they are trotting out the same old theme’s over and over again. 

Take the Branning storyline in EastEnders for example.  (Please – someone take it away!)  It’s been dragging on for years.  Basically annoying carrott top Bradley goes out with torn-faced miserable cow Stacey, until he takes an interest in a half decent girl at work and realises that Stacey is rougher than a cows arse covered in sandpaper (and about as attractive). 

Stacey doesn’t like being dumped so she seduces his dad Max, then she gets back with Bradley but carries on seeing his dad on the sly.  In the end of course the cat is let out of the bag (on Christmas day, I mean when else) and there is a big bust up, then gradually they all start talking to each other again, though Max’s wife Tanya did bury Max alive in a coffin, and dug him up just in the nick of time.  Oh and of course, in the theme of keeping it in the family, Max’s wife is now with his brother.  Just a normal tale of EastEnd folk.  Ahem. 

The only saving grace is this sea of complete shite is the very occasional humour.  Like when Max bought a gun from Phil Mitchell to shoot his brother (like you do) but his sister found it and hid it.  Max went to Phil “I need another gun”.  His deadpan response was “What was wrong with the last one, didn’t you like the colour?”.  Or when Tanya said the only problem with going out with her husband’s brother is that she doesn’t get a new set of inlaws! 

Coronation Street fares slightly better in terms of clever writing, at least in the quotable phrases department, but in the wide scheme, they are too obsessed with sensation. 

I mean Liam’s brothers were both killed in a car crash, now he’s set to be killed by all round pantomime villain Tony Gordon with his menacing squint eye. 

Sarah Platt must have been the most over-used character in history, between being up-the-duff at 14, almost married then found out her husband-to-be was gay, so she went of his brother who did a runner at the alter (not cliched at all) being in near death situations thanks to her bad choice in boyfriends and her mum marrying a pantomime villain serial killer, but still she kept smiling, it’s only a soap after all, it’s not as if she was in any real danger. 

But so many of the cast are in peril so often, that it’s very hard to feel anything for any of them other than boredom. 

It seems to me that whilst the technical side of soap making has come on in leaps and bounds, the writing has become lazy and sensationalised. 

I’m more interested in witty banter and real life dillemas than the contrived shock value of a father sleeping with his son’s dodgy bird. 

I watched a 1960s episode of Crossroads recently, and the actress who plays Audrey Roberts was a young girl at the time.  There was some misunderstanding where this lad thought she fancied him and she thought he fancied her, their mates were coming up with elaborate stories to get them out of the situation without the other one geting hurt.  Of course in the end they found each other out and laughed about it. 

Quite cheesy yes, very tounge in cheek, and yet strangely far more entertaining than any of the current storylines in the current soaps. 

I haven’t even mentioned DIY shows, Makeover shows, Home viewing shows, follow around celebrity shows, drab but highly polished US shows, Documentaries that talk down to the audience so much and use so many visual tricks that it makes John Craven’s Newsround look like a hard hitting show, Talk Shite with Trevor McJournalist, News programs with max-headroomesque wavy lines and no intimidating desks, most CH4 comedies (ah I remember when CH4 was groundbreaking not ball aching!), Catchphrase comedies (Little Britain etc), but they get too much exposure as it is. 

But at least you can increasingly watch all this crap in High Definition with Dobly Surround!  If only they’d invented PVR (Personal Video Recorders, e.g. Sky Plus) while there was still something worth watching on TV…

Not that TV was ever without fault, it’s easy to remember a few good shows from an entire decade and conclude that it was a golden era, whilst a quick consultation of an old issue of Radio or TV Times proves there was rubbish on then too, just a lesser percentage of the schedule. 

I remember the IBA laying down the law to broadcasters who made programs that weren’t up to standard, they’d have their work cut-out if they were around today, though TV needs a nanny-state figure to sort it out, after all when it’s left to market forces, just look at what it’s turned into.